


next to you

by eunchaes



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: ?????, Deephwi, I cried while writing this, M/M, Ongniel, PanWink - Freeform, i hope u like it tho, idk what im doing again, jinhwi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-11
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-13 15:06:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12986634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eunchaes/pseuds/eunchaes
Summary: in which jinyoung just wants to forget about it, but he wakes up in daehwi's apartment every single night.





	1. it begins

**Author's Note:**

> hello im back with another jinhwi fic i dont know what im doing im so sorry but still i hope you like it
> 
> t/w: suicide, coarse language, alcohol
> 
> PLEASE NOTE maknae line are all aged up in this fic

"jinyoung, that's enough," woojin scolds, trying to snatch jinyoung's cup from his hands. "please, jinyoung, stop!"

jinyoung tears woojin's hands away from him and downs the entire cup, before reaching out for another one. "i want to forget about it. let me do what, what i want." he slurs, before putting the cup to his lips again.

he's not sure if it's the alcohol, but he sees jihoon's eyes turn glossy, and he sees minhyun swallow thickly. he doesn't care at the moment, though. he reaches out for yet another cup.

"bae jinyoung! stop it," woojin exclaims, again. "give me the fucking cup, i'll send you home, stop drinking." jinyoung shakes his head.

"fucking hell, none of you understand! because all of you are in happy relationships, because your significant others are still alive! you don't know what it feels like!" jinyoung yells, and his friends look extremely guilty. tears threaten to spill out of his eyes at the memory. "you don't understand me, because your lover didn't leave you. your lover didn't fucking kill himself, like mine did!"

"do you think daehwi would be proud of what you're doing now, huh? drinking away every single night? you're rarely ever sober," woojin spits. "it hurts us too. daehwi was our friend."

it feels like something just switched in jinyoung's body, and he stands up, grabbing his belongings.  
"he was my boyfriend, you don't fucking get it!" he storms out of daniel and seongwoo's apartment, heading back to his own. he hears jihoon and sungwoon calling after him, but he doesn't bother anymore.

he doesn't know how, but he somehow manages to get home. he locks the door. he doesn't even bother showering, he heads straight to bed.

16th november. it's been exactly a week since daehwi passed away.

* * *

he wakes up and this bed, this scent, this warmth is all too familiar. he reaches into his pocket for his phone to check the time - 10.30pm, 9th november. 

notifications flood his lock screen, with texts from woojin saying that he's sorry, and from jisung asking if he reached home safely. he replies a "im safe dw" and shoves his phone back.

he sits up, looking around. his head is spinning ; this room, it's not his own. the pictures on the wall makes his eyes sting. it's not his bedroom. this is daehwi's bedroom. he suppresses a scream when he sees a purple-haired boy writing something into a notebook next to him. that notebook - it's that notebook. the one the officers handed to him the day he came to know about daehwi's death.

"jinyoungie? are you okay? did you have a nightmare?" the boy speaks, and jinyoung's eyes go even wider. "are you alright? jinyoung-ah,"

"daehwi?" jinyoung reaches out to touch his face. "this can't be... daehwi died. this is a dream, right?"

"died? this isn't a dream, jinyoung. are you okay? i'm still alive." daehwi replies. "you look really pale. go back to sleep, hyung."

jinyoung doesn't even know what to believe. his eyelids are drooping, and he drops back down to the bed, grabbing onto his lover's hand.

"i hope i wake up next to you tomorrow morning," jinyoung mumbles as he falls asleep.

he doesn't see the sad smile on daehwi's face.

* * *

jinyoung wakes up to the sound of his alarm and 20 missed calls from his friends. he looks around - the bed is empty and cold. it's his own bed. it's his own room. it's his own house. 9am, 17th november.

"daehwi?" he calls out. no response. his train of thoughts are interrupted by his phone ringing.

"hello?" he says, running a hand through his hair. "fuck, bae jinyoung, are you safe? we were so damn worried," daniel's deep voice comes booming over the phone. "i texted jisung hyung last night. i said i was fine," jinyoung argues.

"you didn't reply to any of our texts." daniel says. "ugh, we're coming over okay? we'll be there in a bit."

jinyoung hangs up, and he goes back to his chats.

jisung: did you reach home safely?? we're worried text me asap  
jinyoung: i'm home dw [MESSAGE FAILED TO SEND]

it was just a fucking dream.

* * *

 

“jinyoung, you okay?" seongwoo asks, patting the latter's back.

"yeah."

"come, eat up," guanlin says, putting some food down in front of him.

he falls asleep at 8pm that day.  
he wakes up again, in daehwi's bed. the clock reads 10.30pm, and daehwi is right there, next to him, scribbling away in his notebook, just like the previous night.

"daehwi?" jinyoung feels like he's losing his mind. "fuck, didn't you die on the 9th? what's going on?"

"jinyoungie? are you okay? did you have a nightmare?" the boy speaks, and jinyoung swears he's about to pass out. "are you alright? jinyoung-ah,"

"you died. this is all a dream."

"died? this isn't a dream, jinyoung. are you okay? i'm still alive." daehwi replies. "you look really pale. go back to sleep, hyung."

_the same fucking response._

"fuck, daehwi, you died last week, and last night, i dreamt of you. we were in your room, just like this, and you told me the exact same things, oh my god," jinyoung buries his head in his hands.

daehwi chuckles as he puts his notebook aside. "hyung, are you drunk? i'm alive." he cups jinyoung's face, and presses a kiss to his lips. "go to sleep, hyung, you must be really tired."

"daehwi, promise me that i'll wake up here, next to you tomorrow morning?"

daehwi shuts him up with another kiss.

* * *

jinyoung wakes up. the bed is empty. he's in his own bed, own room, own house. the date is 18th november. he wants to scream.

woojin: dude u coming to class today?  
baejin: ah yeah fuck forgot about that  
woojin: see ya

jinyoung takes a quick shower, changes, grabs an apple and dashes out of the door.

daehwi's seat in the lecture hall is empty.

  
  



	2. again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it happens again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this at 4am its now 5am im sorry idk what this is but i hope you like it

jinyoung knocks out as soon as possible when he reaches home.

10.30pm, 9th november. daehwi's bed, daehwi's room, daehwi's apartment. the purple-haired boy is next to him, writing in his notebook.  
"daehwi, explain this. what's happening?" jinyoung asks, distressed.

  
"jinyoungie? are you okay? did you have a nightmare?"

 _again_.

"no, daehwi! i’ve been waking up in your room the past few nights, talking to you. you’ve been doing the exact same thing! you even say the exact same things! you died a week ago! how is this even possible?”

"died? this isn't a dream, jinyoung. are you okay? i'm still ali-“

“no you’re not! every morning i wake up in an empty bed. daehwi, your seat in our lecture hall is empty. you’ve passed away. that notebook you’re writing in right now,” jinyoung stops to point at it. “the officers gave it to me after they found it in your apartment. you died of an overdose from sleeping pills. daehwi, this is all a lie! what’s real, and what’s not?”

daehwi stirs and puts the notebook down.  
“hyung, i’m not dead, nor am i dying, you need rest, okay? go to sleep.”

“but if i sleep,” jinyoung’s eyes sting. “i’ll wake up alone tomorrow. you’ll be gone tomorrow. i won’t wake up next to you.” his tears fall. “so, no. i don’t want to sleep. i don’t want you to leave.”

daehwi shifts and wraps his arms around the sobbing, older male. his heart breaks.

“please, daehwi, promise me you won’t leave me.”

daehwi rubs his back and jinyoung falls asleep in his warmth.

* * *

  
8.30am. 19th november.  
his own bed, his own room, his own home.

jinyoung groans in frustration. he woke up alone, again. he gets up immediately, grabbing the notebook daehwi had left him. he had already read it - but he just needed to read it again.

_jinyoungie  
you’re amazing, both inside and out. people say that nobody’s perfect, but i think you’re the epitome of perfection. you always know how to cheer me up, you always know what i want. you know me better than anyone else. i seriously love spending every single moment with you. _

  
_you’ve been truthful with me, which i really appreciate. but jinyoung, i’ve been lying.  
i am not okay. i’ve put up my happy-go-lucky front for years, and i think i’m finally faltering. hyung, i can’t do this anymore. mom’s been drinking, i’m failing almost all my classes, and i’m watching my entire family fall apart. i’ve been sad for as long as i can remember. i’m good at acting, huh? hahaha. i managed to fool you, and everyone else, right? no one suspected a thing._ _i should be given an award for the best actor. i’m such a hypocrite, telling everyone to be positive and happy, that life is precious and worth living, when i’m the one who’s going to kill himself tonight._

  
_i’ve delayed this. you know why? because i always stopped myself before swallowing all of the pills down. it’s because of you. it’s because i wanted to see your face for just another day. days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, months turned into years._  
_i want to continue seeing you, every single day. but jinyoung, i’m breaking. no, i’m broken. i can’t pick myself up anymore. you know, this birthday, i told you i wished for happiness, but really, i wished that God would take my life away in my sleep that night. the same thing happened every single birthday. my therapist asked me how i manage put up a front like this. and it’s because of you. you make me so happy. you make me forget about my worries, but lately, my sadness has been taking over, and i can’t differentiate happiness from it any longer. you make me feel special. you make me feel loved, and wanted.  
you know? i texted my mom, and she told me she hates me more and more with every passing day. but that’s acceptable. i hate myself more and more with every passing day too. i don’t know how you don’t._

_  
she was against the idea of me majoring in music, but why did i take it in the end? it’s because of you. you encouraged me and pushed me to do it, knowing that i love the subject._

  
_i’ll never forget the day you asked me to be yours, i’ll never forget the day i realised i liked you more than a friend. it was the day my mom blaming me for tearing our family apart again, and i was on the school rooftop in tears. no one else came to find me - except for you. you ditched the rest of the school day with me, you took me out to eat, we went to your place to watch movies. jinyoung, i never told you this but, if you didn’t come to the rooftop to find me that day in 9th grade, i would’ve jumped.  
i didn’t in the end, because of you._

_  
how have i managed to stay alive for so long? you. jinyoung, it’s you. it’s always been you. it will always be you. you kept me alive._

_  
please never forget that i love you so much. i’ve always wanted you to be my last love, since you’re my first - i wanted to grow old with you. but i’m at my breaking point. i’m sorry, please. jinyoung, just move on. forget about your lying scum of a boyfriend. forget about me, okay? you deserve so much better. i hope you find someone that loves you more than i managed to love you. as cheesy as it sounds, i will love you forever._

  
_lastly, thank you. i can’t ever thank you enough. for everything you’ve done for me, really. you’re the sweetest human being to ever exist._  
_jinyoung, thank you for keeping me alive.  
i’m so sorry. please don’t cry, please just forget about me. forget about us. don’t be miserable - find someone else. you deserve so much more. i guess you really did end up being my first and last. haha  <3_

  
_i love you and i always will, okay? even if i won’t be next to you anymore. fighting, jinyoung! you’re the best hyung i could ever ask for :) stay happy and healthy x_  
\- daehwi  
9th november, 11.40pm

jinyoung didn’t realise he’d been crying. and then it hits him.

 _the night of the 9th_. that was daehwi’s last night alive. that’s why daehwi was scribbling away.

another realisation comes to jinyoung.  
daehwi never promised him. because he knew he would break it ; because he knew fucking well that he wouldn’t wake up next to jinyoung ; he _knew_ he was going to die.  
jinyoung wakes up in his own, empty and cold bed every morning - because daehwi had _killed himself when he was asleep._

“then why do i keep waking up in your apartment every fucking night, daehwi?” jinyoung screams at the top of his lungs. his head hurts, his heart hurts, he doesn’t understand any of this.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading i love you


	3. night.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jinyoung tries.

baejin: u willing to hear me talk?  
baejin: u may think its bullshit tho  
jihoon: i'll come over

jihoon plops himself down on the couch next to jinyoung. "shoot."

"you see, every night, i wake up in daehwi's apartment. look, i know it sounds like complete rubbish, but when i wake up there every night, it's the 9th of december at 10.30pm. that was the night daehwi killed himself,"

jihoon looks intrigued, but continues to listen anyway. "he's writing away in that notebook there on the table.  he'll tell me to sleep, and then i'll wake up in my own bed! god, i don't even know anymore, it's been happening every night."

"think about it. why are you only waking up in his room on the 9th?" jihoon turns to face him. "where were you on the night on the 9th?"

"home. i was with him until 8pm. he told me that he had to meet his mom, so he chased me out of his apartment." jinyoung's chest burns at the memory.

"then, there has to be an explanation as to why you're only waking up on the day of his death, just hours before he died." jihoon's eyes are watery, and his voice is cracking. "maybe, have you tried stopping him?"

* * *

9th november, 10.30pm. everything is the exact same as the previous nights.

"daehwi, stop," jinyoung says. the said boy raises an eyebrow.

"jinyoungie? are you okay? did you have a nightmar-“

“god, stop!” jinyoung almost yells, grabbing the notebook out of his lover’s hands. “i know what you’re going to do.”

“jinyoung, give it back!” daehwi reaches forward for it, but the older male quickly raises it higher in the air.

“you’re writing a suicide note to me. you’ll finish writing it at 11.40pm. in the note, you tell me to move on because i deserve better. later on, you overdose on sleeping pills. you died at 5.03am in the morning.” jinyoung finishes, staring right into his boyfriend’s eyes. daehwi is silent, mouth slowly opening as if he wants to say something.

“bullshit.”

“it’s not. you know you’re going to do it. you know it’s going to happen.”

“no, jinyoung, look, just drop it. i’m alive, i’m not going to die. you’re overthinking, i don’t even know where you get these ideas from.”

“stop trying to deny it, oh my fucking gosh. where i get these ideas from? i wake up in your fucking bed every night, watching you write your suicide note. you lie to me, every single night. you tell me you’re not dying, but when i wake up, i’m alone in my own bed. because you died while i was asleep,” jinyoung’s frustration turns into tears. “i tell you to promise me that i’ll be with you when i wake up, but you don’t say anything back. because you know you’ll break our promise.”

“jinyoung, i really can’t deal with this right now. you’re really thinking too much, your ideas are seriously unreasonable-“

“then promise me, promise me i’ll wake up next to you, right here, tomorrow morning!” jinyoung raises his voice, and daehwi flinches a little. he doesn’t say anything afterwards.

“get out. jinyoung, leave.” daehwi speaks sharply, not even looking at the older.

“you see! you’re not promising me,” more tears are streaming down the brown-haired boy’s face, and daehwi feels horrible for causing them. “fuck, don’t you know how important you are to me?”

“jinyoung, get out. i really can’t. leave.” he pulls an unwilling and screaming jinyoung out, closing the front door afterwards.  
he sinks to the floor, glancing at the pills.

* * *

20th november. 1pm.

woojin: hey man are u ok?? why u skipping today  
baejin: im going crazy

* * *

9th november, 10.30pm. everything’s the same.

“daehwi. listen to me,” jinyoung starts, trying to calm himself.

"jinyoungie? are you okay? did you-“

“daehwi, don’t do it. i know what you’re going to do.”

"what? hyung? are you okay?”

“don’t. you’re writing your suicide note now. you’ll finish it at 11.40pm. you take pills after. you die at 5.03am.” he says matter-of-factly, pointing to the notebook.

daehwi freezes. “bullshit.”

“oh? so what’s in that notebook, then?”

daehwi can’t even answer.

“daehwi, please, i’m begging you. don’t leave,” jinyoung’s a sobbing mess at this point. “fuck, i don’t think i can love anything of anyone as much as i love you.”

daehwi puts the notebook aside, throwing himself into jinyoung’s arms.

what feels like 30 minutes later, daehwi seems to be asleep, and jinyoung takes the opportunity to admire his perfect features.

“i want to be next to you tomorrow.” he whispers. “or forever, for that matter.”

* * *

jinyoung hopes for the best when he opens his eyes. he punches his thighs when he sees that he’s in his own bed, alone.

“fuck, i thought i did it,” jinyoung curses.

he decides to skip class again.

 

10.30pm. 9th november. jinyoung already has a plan. he gets up from daehwi’s bed, the latter looking at him suspiciously. “what are you doing, hyung?”

“nothing.” he quickly heads to the medicine cabinet, and daehwi quickly puts his notebook down to follow him. jinyoung rummages through it, and after much searching, he pulls out the bottle of pills.

“hyung-“  
he turns to face the younger, and daehwi looks as if he’s about to fall apart.  
jinyoung heads to the bathroom, with daehwi behind him. he empties the entire bottle out into the toilet, flushing it down.

“you don’t need it. you have me,” he speaks, and that’s when daehwi breaks. he’s crying so hard he finds it hard to even breathe, and jinyoung scoops him up into his arms, carrying him back to his bedroom.

“daehwi, why? you could’ve told me sooner. don’t do it,” he rubs the sobbing boy’s back, talking in a hushed tone. “you don’t know how important you are to me, do you? how can you expect hyung to move on, huh?”

daehwi looks up at him slowly. he looks so broken, so fragile, so vulnerable, and jinyoung wishes he was there for him earlier.  
tears are falling from jinyoung’s eyes too, and he pulls the latter even closer to him.

“please, you have me. do you know how horrible this past week or so was? i couldn’t do anything. i only looked forward to sleeping, so i could wake up in your bed, no matter how confusing or painful it was, especially when i wake up alone the next morning.” he croaks out, ruffling daehwi’s hair. “i really can’t live without you. i love you so, so much, please. don’t leave me. don’t do it. you have so much to live for. woojin quit his job and all he does is attend lectures now, even someone as optimistic as jisung isn’t doing well. heck, even minhyun can’t eat,”

“so, daehwi, hyung’s begging you, when you killed yourself, you didn’t just kill yourself,” he says, voice shaking. “you killed me. you killed everyone else too.”

“hyung, i’m sorry.” daehwi chokes out, and he’s crying even harder than he was previously.

“don’t be. please, promise me, tomorrow i’ll wake up next to you, you’ll wake up next to me, and we’ll be here, in your bed?”

“i promise.”

jinyoung goes straight in for a kiss.

“i love you.”

“hyung, i love you more.”

* * *

jinyoung jolts awake, sitting up, breathing hard. this time, he’s not in his room. he almost smiles, thinking he finally succeeded, until he realises that the bed he’s in is unfamiliar, and he looks around. bleached out whites. 

he quickly registers that it’s a hospital. he looks at the drip next to him, and then at the gorgeous black-haired boy next to him.

“ah, hyung, you’re awake! next to me, too.” the boy speaks, and jinyoung turns to take a better look at him. crisp, white uniform. he squints to get a glimpse of his nametag.

_lee daehwi, nurse._

“you seem surprised. also, you kept saying my name a lot while you were still in a coma. i’m really that impactful, huh?” he smiles brightly, and jinyoung thinks the sun has a new competitor. “wait here, i’ll call the doctor, and our friends,”

“our?” jinyoung repeats, and daehwi just grins at him again before walking out of the room.  
he comes back in not too long later, and he sits down next to jinyoung’s bed. “daehwi, how long have i been out for?”

“about 3 months.”

“thanks, for taking care of me and stuff,”

daehwi chuckles. “i should be thanking you instead, hyung,”

jinyoung looks genuinely surprised, and daehwi leans in closer, cupping the older’s cheek.

“hyung, you kept me alive.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh is this confusing?  
> do yall want a sequel? let me know  
> thank you for reading i hope u all are healthy and happy !!!! i love you take care of yourself  
> oh i forgot to mention, this story was inspired by a writing prompt i saw on instagram! something about selective people getting the chance to learn a year’s worth of knowledge in just one night in some magical ass library?? but you keep waking up in that library every night and today, it’s your 9th birthday. yeah AHAHA i was inspired by that   
> can yall let me know whats ur rough intepretation of the ending in the comments? pls and thank youu

**Author's Note:**

> is this confusing
> 
> thanks for reading doe


End file.
